Perspective

We have been watching more television than I care to admit at our house lately. Caleb gets at least 2 episodes of Blue's Clues in everyday and sometimes a movie. The movie he has loved watching the past few weeks is "Ratatouille". There is a character in the movie named Anton Ego who is a food critic. All of the characters, even the other villain, are afraid of Ego and his scathing reviews. When he shows up to critique the restaurant and the new chef, the waiter asks him what he would like and his reply is "Perspective." The first time I heard that line I laughed, but the more I dwell on it, it seems like such a difficult order to fill.

Throughout this pregnancy, I have been sorely lacking in perspective. I have taken everything that has happened and immediately tried to assign blame. Most of the blame I take upon myself, other blame I pass on to over-reactive doctors and inexperienced medical personnel. It occurred to me this morning that I have not been viewing things from the proper perspective. I have focused on numerous small details and frequently need to be grounded by my wonderful husband about where everything is in the "big picture". Once grounded, I usually can put my priorities in order: What is most important to me and what I can and cannot control.

I can control how much I move around in a day.
I can control that when I am with Caleb that I am completely present with him.
I can control being a supportive wife and partner.
I can control my thoughts, particularly the negative ones about childbirth and NICU.

I cannot control when I will go into labour.
I cannot control my two year old at all times. He is, after all, two.
I cannot control the added stress my husband has at his job.
I cannot control the financial pressure that we are both feeling.
I cannot control the crazy dreams that I have been having, but I can control my reaction to them.

Things that are important to me:

My growing relationships with my faith, my husband and my children.
Continuing to be a friend to people - because my life have a stumbling block right now, but there are many others that I know personally who have experienced much worse and continue to strive to overcome.

Things I need to continue to work on:

Remaining present in this pregnancy. It will be my last and I need to savour all of these little moments and milestones. It has been so easy to be caught up in the stress of everything that I have frequently forgotten that at the end of this journey, there will be another life joining our family. I need to prepare myself for that, and enjoy our last few weeks as a family of three.
Trying to help Scott with the stress that he has by maintaining our home and doing what childcare I can so that he too can have some alone time to achieve perspective.