Aching

I start work again on Monday.

Today was the first time that I dreaded it.

Today was the first time that I allowed myself to cry over leaving my baby in someone else's care.

Today was the first time that I realized how much shorter our snuggle time together is going to be.

No one else can calm her like I can.

No one else instinctively knows what she needs like I do.



This morning, I was cleaning the bottles that I bought yesterday and it just hit me. And I ached. I physically ached inside. I wanted to curl up on the kitchen floor and have a good cry. But I couldn't, because how do you explain to your two year old that you feel like you are breaking inside?

And how do you justify to him that it is okay for Mommy to drop him off to school because Mommy doesn't come apart in the parking lot any more like she did the first week when he was only 10 weeks old and soooo tiny and vulnerable. Because now he is this big boy, who gives you a quick peck on the cheek and goes off to play with his friends. And how do you explain that you are so proud of him, but that you know that it is going to be a blink of an eye and his sister is going to be doing the same thing. And that you're not ready - not ready for him to be growing so fast, and not ready to lose the baby that she is. You're just not ready.

I'm just not ready.